Ephemeral Catharsis, Abiding Love
by AliceSloane13
Summary: When Leia needs a friend, there's no question of who will be there by her side.


A/N: For General Dodonna and Evaan, I used several quotes from the Leia comics. There's a very sweet moment with Luke that I wish I could have included, but it just didn't fit.

"Leia."

The warm, knowing tone slipped along her shoulder and up the back of her neck. She closed her eyes at the tangibility of it and exhaled in a half-whimper. Goosebumps rose along her arms as she responded. "Amilyn."

"Hi gorgeous," the taller woman said, as Leia turned around.

Leia arched an eyebrow at her in amusement. She laughed as Amilyn shook her head knowingly. That wasn't the type of greeting that fit her. She was still trying to find ways to communicate with the rest of the world that made sense.

"Don't get me wrong," the taller girl grinned, "You look lovely, as always. Especially considering..." She stopped mouth agape. She hadn't meant to bring up Alderaan. She wanted to wait until Leia was ready to talk.

Reaching for Amilyn's hand, Leia smiled. "It's okay, Am. Let's just go somewhere a little quieter," she said, looking around for an empty corner. Suddenly they were sixteen years old again, looking for a way to dodge the formality of an important occasion to deal with the kind of pain that was more than either should have to bear.

Wrapping an arm around Leia's shoulder, Amilyn steered them through the crowd. She felt Leia lean heavily into her and wondered how long it had been since she'd allowed herself simple comfort. They stopped several times out of grudging politeness, while people greeted the young princess, awkwardly skittering around the fact that there was no planet for her to be princess of any longer.

Finding an empty alcove, they tucked themselves away from the crowd to talk. Amilyn just watched Leia patiently, allowing her friend to steer the conversation. She was just happy to be in her presence and relieved to see her with her own eyes. Leia was safe, and that put Amilyn's soul at ease.

"They're all gone," Leia whispered. Her voice was thick with emotion, creating a gravelly tone that made Amilyn's stomach drop. "I keep playing it over in my head, wondering if I could have saved them."

Amilyn responded to Leia's pained look with one of calm sincerity. "This isn't on you. No one is blaming you, but I fear that you're already set upon blaming yourself." She took Leia's hand between her own and tried to project the love that she had for her friend in that one simple gesture.

"Thank you," Leia said, covering Amilyn's hand with her free one. "I'm so glad you're here." In an uncharacteristic move, she slid into Amilyn's embrace and allowed herself the comfort. It wasn't the first time her friend had been there for her after an emotional loss, and she feared it wouldn't be the last.

Wrapping her arms around Leia with a ferocity that could only be attained through love, Amilyn held on tight. "I'll always be here," she promised, pulling Leia out of her embrace so that she could look at her. "Our friendship was written in the stars," she said in what could only be described as gentle teasing. A reminder that they had suffered through much, but Amilyn would never not be at her side. Leia was a survivor, and it would take more than this to break her. Amilyn believed that Leia could survive without her, but it was a solemn promise that she would never have to.

Leia felt Amilyn's long fingers cup her face and draw her eyes up. Starling blue bored deep into her own brown and Leia was touched at the tears welling in her friend's eyes. Knowing how big her friend's heart was, it was a heavy weight to bear. Leia understood the pain that Amilyn felt on her behalf and she wished she could offer something in return. She opened her mouth to speak, but they were interrupted as Luke drew near.

"You forgot the most important ingredient for a clandestine meeting," Luke said with a wry grin. "I brought you these," he said, handing each woman a glass.

Leia missed the warmth of contact instantly, but a wink from her friend told her they weren't finished talking. Eyeing the glass suspiciously, Leia was surprised that she didn't recognize the drink. Shrugging, she took a hefty sip. It was tart and strong, and she still didn't recognize it, but she didn't care about that.

It took a moment for Luke to realize that he'd interrupted something, but he didn't quite know how to get himself out of it. "I'm, uh, I'm Luke," he said, introducing himself to Amilyn. "Luke Skywalker."

"Yes, I'm quite certain everyone here knows who you are. You're shorter than I expected," she said looking down at him. There was something about this boy that she liked. Maybe it was his boyish grin or the odd look he was giving Leia that seemed like a funny mixture of worry and admiration. She wasn't sure, but she sensed a bond between them that left her feeling confident that he would always look out for her. Surprisingly that knowledge came with no jealousy on her part.

Leia nearly snorted her drink out her nose at the comment. "That's what I said too." The façade of strength was back. It had to be. Luke was nice and had shown true concern for her recent tragedy, but he was not someone she could open up to. Not about this.

"Amilyn Holdo," the taller woman finally said, introducing herself and shaking Luke's hand. Without thinking about it, she returned her arm to Leia's shoulders and was surprised at how easily Leia melted against her. She had thought that in front of this boy Leia might haven't welcomed the gesture, but was pleased that she had tried.

"You were expecting him?" Amilyn asked, cocking her head curiously. Still no jealousy. It felt very odd indeed.

Readjusting in Amilyn's arm so that she could see her better she shook her head. "He and Solo thought they were gonna rescue me from Vadar."

"We did rescue you!" Luke said in exasperation.

Leia rolled her eyes. "Let's just say it was a team effort."

"Leia is very skilled at getting herself out of tricky situations. I've seen her work firsthand," Amilyn explained, offering her friend a subtle squeeze just between them. "She's a survivor, and believe me when I say that Vadar is no match."

Luke nodded. "Yeah, I know that now. I've never heard of anybody keeping their secrets when faced off with an IT-O. Stronger than I am, that's for sure."

The young princess wanted to punch Luke. Leia could feel Amilyn tighten her hold—strong fingers digging into her upper ribs. There was a trembling of rage behind her grasp that Leia wanted to sooth, but didn't know how. I'm okay, she thought, hoping that somehow Amilyn would understand. She slid her opposite hand up and covered Amilyn's hand.

"I've only heard stories about what they can do, but gosh—talk about the stuff of nightmares." He shook his head, densely unaware of the silent conversation happening in front of him. "You've got more choobies than I do."

Leia smiled tightly. He was looking at her funny again. For a moment she thought he was going to start thanking her again for consoling him when Ben died, but, thankfully, he didn't. Instead, he just offered her a cockeyed smile.

Returning the smile, Leia silently assured him that she was alright. She DID have someone to lean on. She just needed him to go away so she could go back to that. Luke was cute, and she was growing quite fond of him, but she wanted nothing more than to get rid of him right then.

The only problem with him leaving would be that she would then have to face Amilyn's fright and worry—no doubt that would not be an easy conversation. It was, however, inevitable. Quelling her friends fear was more important to her than her own comfort at that moment—at any moment.

It was time for Luke to go. "I've got more brains than you too," she finally said with a heavy sigh. She hoped it didn't hurt his feelings too much, but she didn't have the time or the energy to be more tactful.

"Hey," he protested, but then just looked at her in confusion. She was trying to tell him something, of that much he was sure. Amilyn gently cleared her throat, and it hit him. They had tucked themselves away for privacy, that included from him. "I, uh, I should go find Han, make sure he's not drinking himself into a coma. It was nice meeting you," he said to Amilyn.

She smiled at him. "I think we will meet again someday. Try not to die before then. You still have much to do." She finished her drink and handed him both her own and Leia's empty glasses.

Luke furrowed his brow in confusion and looked at Leia for some clue as to how to respond, but she was watching Amilyn with a look in her eye that he hadn't seen before. "Oh! Yeah, um, you too then." He grinned widely at the pair in realization. At that, he wandered off, leaving them alone once more.

As soon as he was gone, Amilyn spun on her heels to face Leia so quickly that Leia nearly lost her balance at the lack of support. She dropped her head back and groaned knowingly. Amilyn's hands were squeezing her shoulders and arms and hips as though she were searching for some sort of physical wound that she could attend to.

Leia sucked in a deep breath of air and grabbed Amilyn's hands. "Hey. Hey. I'm okay. Stop." She squeezed her friend's hands. "Amilyn. I'm okay," she repeated firmly. Her friend's worry hit her harder than remembering her interrogation. Amilyn's emotions had always felt so palpable to her. "I'm safe," she promised quietly, drawing Amilyn's hands up to her face and kissing her knuckles.

Amilyn nodded and dropped her gaze to the floor. She squeezed her eyes shut and continued to nod as she collected herself. "Of course you are," she said matter of factly. She widened her grin and tried to shake off the momentary fear she'd felt for her Leia. She had so many questions, but couldn't put voice to any of them. Leia was safe.

"You changed your hair," Leia said, taking a cobalt lock between her fingers. She was always amazed at how soft Amilyn's hair was. Coming from Alderaan the act of touching someone else's hair was an intimate gesture, but she had never shied away from that with Amilyn. Perhaps that shouldn't sit well with her, but Amilyn had never seemed to mind.

Maybe it was because the Gatalentan was so brutally real that standing on ceremony had never felt necessary. They had become friends at a time in Leia's life when she had finally started to interact with people her own age. She knew her role within the framework of government and her responsibility as royalty, but having friends had been a new experience. It wasn't long before she found herself gravitating towards those who looked past both.

From day one Amilyn had treated her with a knowing familiarity, as though she could see right through Leia—already understanding secrets that Leia didn't know about herself. It was unnerving at first, but now it was a comfort that she sorely missed. She had always felt like she was enough with Amilyn.

The taller woman nodded, trying to swallow down the butterflies that Leia's touch caused. This wasn't the time. Already she knew that she would be replaying the kiss to her knuckles over and over in her mind, hating herself for not having been able to indulge in the tender affection.

"You like it?" she asked, pulling a piece in front of her so she could study the color and nearly going cross-eyed at the proximity. It was one of her favorites.

Twirling a lock around her finger before letting it go, Leia nodded. "It suits you—brings out your eyes," she replied. For reasons that were beyond even her own comprehension Leia felt the need to seek out the comfort she knew Amilyn would so readily offer. "It was horrible, Am," Leia said, finally dropping her guard.

Amilyn pulled Leia to her and folded her in her arms. "And still you were a force he could not bend." She sought as much comfort as she offered. When they were younger, she tried to give Leia a certain amount of physical privacy. She had tried not to initiate too much touching, knowing that she wore her heart on her sleeve and Leia's belonged to someone else. But as they aged, she realized that life was too short for that. When the fear of losing each other was a daily threat, there was no time to waste on worry and doubt.

"Carved of wood," Leia mumbled. "Unbending. Unyielding." She laughed as Amilyn squeezed her tighter. Leaning back, she met the girl's gaze in admiration. "You may not have been able to teach me to fly, but you—"

"Leia," Amilyn grinned interrupting her, "you have never needed help soaring above the rest of us." She kissed the top of Leia's head and squeezed her upper arms encouragingly. "I have learned more from you than the stars themselves."

Stepping back, Leia grinned up at her. "Liar," she teased, knowing just how much Amilyn looked to the stars for guidance and wisdom, "but I'll take the compliment. I've missed your friendship dearly," she added quietly. "You've been by my side through so much, I don't think there's anyone else I could open up to about this."

"Was it horridly painful?" Amilyn asked, biting her bottom lip. She didn't want to know the real answer—didn't want to think about her friend in such pain—but if Leia could live through it than she could listen and bear witness.

Leia nodded and looked away. "I tried to ignore the physical torment, but there's only so much you can withstand. It was the fury and rage that pushed me through it at first, but even that started to dull after some time."

Not caring what anyone who saw them might think, Amilyn tugged on Leia's hand leading her to sit with her on the floor. If anyone wanted to pass judgment, they could sod off as far as she was concerned. "I looked for you as soon as I heard," Amilyn admitted. "I had no idea if you were home. I thought maybe…"

She scooted forward until her knees gently bumped against Amilyn's. She needed the contact. Leia nodded—tears in her eyes. "Some days I wish I had been there with them. I know that's selfish-"

"Not at all!" Amilyn insisted. "You're important to the rebellion, yes, but Leia… you get to be your own person too. I can't imagine the pain you must have felt—still feel." She drew Leia's hands into her lap and squeezed them reassuringly. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still here with us."

Leia pulled a hand free to wipe an errant tear off her cheek. Sniffing back the rest of her emotions she quickly returned her hand to Amilyn's. "Do you remember when you tried to teach me how to meditate?"

A faint smile twitched at Amilyn's lips, and she nodded. "You were terrible. I couldn't get you to sit still for more than eight minutes." She had tried though, and that had meant the world to Amilyn.

Ducking her head, Leia laughed gently. "Well, I may have been practicing on my own since then." She looked up coyly, trying to gauge Amilyn's reaction. She was not disappointed by her friend's excitement.

"Really?!" Amilyn gasped, in a rare moment of external excitement. "That makes me so very happy."

Nodding, Leia appreciated how moved Amilyn was by the simple act. "I've gotten pretty good… Okay, well, good at the sitting still part, but nothing ever seemed to happen. My thoughts always continued to race, and it never felt peaceful or focussed."

"It takes practice-"

"Until Vader."

"Oh," Amilyn said with a heavy breath. She sat up a little straighter, preparing herself for the story to follow.

"Amilyn, it was amazing. Everything just seemed to slip away," Leia explained. "The pain was still there, and excruciating, but it was different. It was like I could separate myself from it. For whatever reason, that made it bearable. I can't it explain it really, but it probably saved my life."

Amilyn sat quietly, trying to keep her breath steady. After a moment too long of silence, she realized that Leia was waiting for her. "The Force," she said, the words spilling from her lips in excitement.

Brow furrowed in confusion, Leia waited for Amilyn to explain. When her friend just kept nodding in earnest, she pushed forward. "The Force?"

"Yes," Amilyn said, squeezing Leia's hands in excitement. "Don't you see. Somehow, you must have tapped into that. It guided you through the experience."

"That's ridiculous. First of all, I can't use the Force. Second of all, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works," Leia said, drawing her knees up in front of her. She believed what she was saying, but there was a niggling feeling at the back of her neck that felt like truth.

Amilyn rolled her eyes. "Of course you can—anyone can if they're open to it. It works through all of us in times of great need, just like it did with you. This is amazing. I've never met anyone that has used it in such a tangible way."

"I didn't use the force," Leia said, trying to make her friend understand. "It was just mind over body. The meditating it…"

Shaking her head, a grin split Amilyn's face lighting up their corner of the room. She leaned forward, folding her arms across the tops of Leia's knees. Resting her chin on them, she continued, "You're not going to convince me otherwise. You shouldn't lie to yourself either, but if that makes you feel better…"

"Excuse me," a heavy voice echoed through the room. "If I can have your attention," General Jan Dondonna addressed the room. "Would that there were proper time to mourn… but the Empire now knows our location, therefore, our first priority is to find a new base of operations."

The room fell into silence as the severity of the moment weighted down the air. Dondonna continued, "To that end, all rebel fleets have arrived to assist us in evacuating Yavin immediately. Each of you has been assigned a station for dismantling and transporting. Some of you will be asked to scout for potential outposts. ALL of you are invaluable. Through you, the Alliance lives to fight on. To your stations, and may the force be with us all."

The room erupted into action as all members began to head towards the hanger. There was no need to clean up—it was expected that there would be nothing to come back to. The Great Temple would likely be one more sacrifice in their plight.

Leia looked at Amilyn with a helpless look in her eyes. "Never enough time," she murmured, feeling the heavy responsibility of her position robbing her of yet another moment of personal indulgence. "Let me come with you, Amilyn," she said, praying that her friend would break the rules once more. She could see the hesitation in her friend's eyes, and the small amount of hope she'd allowed herself began to wither.

"He," she said, pointing in the General's direction, "won't let me DO anything. They're all treating me like some fragile… princess! I don't want to stop fighting, and I NEED something to do. I need to give their deaths meaning. I know there's protocol, but since when are you a rule follower?"

"Oh, Leia," Amilyn cooed, rising to her feet and offering her hands to Leia to help her up. Once she had the princess on her feet, she pulled her into her embrace, nuzzling her face against Leia's temple and placing a gentle kiss. She wanted to argue against the reckless choices of their youth, but she had never been able to deny Leia anything. "Okay," she finally said, pulling back to look at Leia with a serious gaze. "We leave together," she promised.

"Wait. There's something you should know," Leia said, closing her eyes and dropping her head. She couldn't allow Amilyn to blindly put herself in danger. She needed her to know all that was at risk. "It's dangerous to have me with you. There's a bounty… The Empire…"

Amilyn shook her head and tipped Leia's face up with a single finger beneath her chin. "We're stronger together."

The truth behind those words, and the feeling that Amilyn spoke with, convinced her. Leia didn't give her a chance to say anything else. She'd no more than finished speaking before Leia was dragging her off by the hand towards her ship.

The two women made their way through the crowd, nimbly dodging the more congested areas. "If we hurray, no one will realize I'm missing," Leia said, finally slowing her pace. She could see Amilyn's ship but was halted in place when she overheard something that drew her attention.

"If she can't mourn her subjects, she could at least shed a tear for Bail, her own father! What sort of Vanoorian ammonia runs through that woman's..."

"I wouldn't know. I've never been to Vanooria," Leia snapped with the very ice in her veins that she'd been accused of. They were actually presuming to know how she was dealing with things? Did they truly think her so cold and callous? The thought that she could view her parent's death so carelessly infuriated her. Before she could really let her temper show, Amilyn's cool touch surrounded her wrist. Leia let out a huff of frustrated air.

Amilyn looked down at the offending woman and measured her up. How dare she speak of Leia in such a manner. She wished she had Leia's sharp tongue and quick wit because the things she wanted to convey she could not find the proper words to express them.

Anyone who knew her understood that Leia's heart belonged to those of her people. She was hanging on by the sheer power of her stong will and nothing else. Leia would give everything for her people, and the weight of the loss of her parents was beyond comprehension. Amilyn's voice was steady as always but had a deadly edge to it as she spoke. "How dare you. You have no idea what your princess has endured or how heavily the losses weighs on her."

"Amilyn," Leia said, trying to reign her friend back in. She knew how protective she could be and didn't want Amilyn to put herself through that for her. Now wasn't the time. "Let's just go. It's okay. You're not going to change anyone's mind today. Not like this."

"I'm sorry my queen," Evaan Verlaine, said addressing Leia. Her cheeks were aflame with shame. "It's just that it feels like your own people have gotten lost in the chaos of everything. Word travels through the rebel forces too much for it to be simply rumor."

"Don't call me that," Leia growled, but didn't dwell. She couldn't. Her mother was Queen. She was nothing more than another rebel soldier. "What rumors?" she asked, truly perplexed. She hadn't spent much time with anyone other than Han, Luke, and Chewie. The gossip mill had been, apparently, awhirl with news more than just about the bounty on her head.

Evaan nodded, seeing the ferocity in her queen's eyes. It was the same fierceness she had seen in Queen Breha's. That look only brought more guilt to coil in her stomach from her harsh words. The young woman in front of her was no ice princess. "You are not the only one with a bounty on your head. As we speak, the Imperials are hunting down all surviving Alderaaians."

Amilyn quickly wrapped an arm around Leia's waist. She could feel the weight of her friend fall against her and knew that her knees had just gone out. The news was shocking, but shouldn't be surprising. Of course, they would want revenge. Leia had survived, escaped, and succeeding in helping bring down the death star.

Swallowing hard, Leia bit back the bile threatening to escape. "No," she whispered.

"It's true, I've been trying to track them down, but twice now I've already gotten there too late. Your people need you," she urged, suddenly looking more like a girl in need of guidance than a bitter citizen after her head.

Leia nodded and bit her bottom lip. She looked up at Amilyn and felt herself drowning. "Amilyn…"

Nodding, Amilyn smiled sadly. "It's okay Leia. Go, I can buy you a little time," Amilyn encouraged. She understood that no one stopped Leia Organa from doing the right thing and that their friendship would always be the choice that came second—the moments that always might have been.

"Thank you, my friend," Leia said, clutching Amilyn's hand to her chest. She smiled sadly, wanting to tell Amilyn so many things and having words for none of them. She saw the understanding in the taller woman's eyes and nodded. "May the force be with you," Leia whispered, pulling Amilyn down and kissing her cheek quickly.

Those words held a deeper meaning for Amilyn. Instead of a parting of safe wishes, the words intrinsically sounded like I love you. "Leia," Amilyn said, her tone filled with more need than she realized she even contained. She needed Leia to know her heart.

Leia nodded and bit her lip. "Soon," she promised, wrapping her arms around her friend. She would not cry at this parting. She would not allow her heart to break again that day. "We'll talk soon, my star girl," she whispered. Swallowing back the emotion that threatened to drown her. Parting from the embrace, she couldn't bear to meet Amilyn's broken gaze.

She turned on her heels and started to follow Evaan to her ship, but halted. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. Turning back to see Amilyn still watching her with a heartbreaking look on her face, Leia rushed back to her. "Oh, what the hell," she murmured under her breath, before cupping Amilyn's face and dragging it down to press her lips Amilyn's.

Before Amilyn could even process what had happened, Leia was gone. Her fingers rose to touch the memory of the kiss on her lips, and she watched her friend's retreating form with such a mix of emotions that she felt breathlessly out of balance. "May the force be with you too, my friend" she whispered, hand pressed against her aching heart.

XOXO

Please let me know what you think. I didn't get much feedback on Ao3, and it would really help.


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